“Of course, no man is entirely in his right mind at any time.” -Mark Twain, The Mysterious Stranger

My apologies yet again for the long hiatus.  My grand plans to post more often and add more content have not gone well.

My job search, Photoshop class, and my anxiety issues keep me feeling that I cannot do anything fun.  I hate job searching.  It is so easy to procrastinate from it (like right now), especially when I am being encouraged to find work outside of my specialty areas of libraries and museums.    Everyone says job searching is the worst job you will ever have.  I have no idea or measure if I am on the right track.  For example, should I be working 8 hours a day searching?  5 hours?  As I am able?  I have started getting interviews, however.  One at a retailer (that ended in rejection) and two librarian job interviews.  I supposed that means I am doing something right.  I apply to every library-related job in my geographic area I can find.  I even applied to jobs in far-flung places in the state, though I stopped doing that months ago.  Employers are not too keen about helping with moving expenses or compensating job candidates (unless you’re a bigwig) for traveling anymore.  Also, I honestly do not want to move too far away from my family.  The poisonous rhetoric against the unemployed and the condescending, contradictory, and confusing job search/interview advice further tear me down.  I no longer read any job advice on the Internet since it drives me mad.  I over-think and over-analyze to a point of sickness.  At some point, you have to “publish or perish” your cover letters and resumes until something sticks.  You have to make a stand like Leonidas at Thermopylae.

I spoke about my anxiety in a previous post.  There are days and moments when I feel so ready and accomplished.  Then, there are the days and moments when I am despondent and unable to focus at all.  I lean towards a depressive and anxious nature, though I do hide it well in public.  That is one of the reasons Mark Twain is one of my favorite authors.  He had a humorous and funny side, but also a dark and depressive side.  An erratic nature runs in my family and it frightens me that I may get worse over time instead of better.  I keep chugging along and try finding something to do that makes me happy, like volunteering.  I wish I were more successful at it.

Now, if you, dear reader, do have any advice for my predicaments and even have a link you want to share, feel free.  If you have any questions you want to ask, feel free.  I have no problem with it.  If you have any job leads, want to network, etc,. let me know and I will see what I can do.

As with my previous post, I will try to update the blog more in the future.



7 thoughts on “Erratic

  1. Wow! I can say honestly that I’m in practically the same boat. I’m job searching for my first job (outside of working for my dad the last few years). I hate the process with everything that’s in me. I also have depressive tendencies, and am recovering from a year and a half battle with it, but the job search process and family conflict have brought it back into focus. Something about it all makes me feel hopeless, and inadequate. And stuck. I have always been told I could never make it in the ‘real world’ and I live in an area with 14% unemployment and few good jobs. I don’t have any college education and have large gaps in my high school education after being homeschooled by parents who did not want me to go to college for fear of me losing my faith, which I did anyway.

    Some days I just feel like giving up. Some people don’t seem to get it. I have days where I literally don’t feel like I have the strength to go on. To people on the outside I probably appear normal, healthy and emotionally secure, but I have dark moments. Suicidal fantasies have become increasingly common despite my logical mind always knowing better than to take them seriously. I even googled “painless ways to kill yourself” last week; although I feel like I was more indulging my fantasies as a coping mechanism to express to myself the level of frustration I am feeling.

    It’s like the darkness is something we have to face. I think in some ways I have this extreme thinking of ‘Many days if I barely want to live anyway, then why don’t I just take some crazy risks, move out of my parent’s house and try to make it. If I fail it can’t get worse than where I’m at’. But then I let fear and complacency, or those rare days where I do feel somewhat content or happy distract me from that.

    Maybe the main thing is that I feel like there is no way to get help in my family and I don’t want to ask anyone for help. It’s this self-sufficiency culture that I hate. As you mentioned, the negative attitudes toward the unemployed are strong, and I don’t want to ask for help from anyone ’cause I tend to think I will feel obligated to them. I feel emotionally beaten down to the point where I have nothing left to give. Anything about the future depresses me, especially career worries, so I bury myself in reading, writing, volunteering (as you mentioned).

    It’s all kind of illogical though, since I know I could do well in a job. I’ve never been a incapable person and so it doesn’t really make sense. All I know is I feel like I could use some therapy and change in scenery to work through my emotional/mental issues built up over years.

    Sorry for dumping here. I just related so much with this! Hang in there, and we’ll both be alright. What’s the worst that can happen? That’s something I try to ask myself and generally the possibilities are not as bad as we think.


    • I have had dark moments and dark thoughts as well. Thankfully, I’ve never become so depressed to make the leap to oblivion. There’s a part of me that’s curious about what tomorrow might bring. With volunteering, I have obligations and responsibilities that make me think “I can’t off myself. I have work to do!” I also have friends and supportive family I can’t imagine hurting by my being gone.

      I find with employers they want to know what you have done and what are you doing now to improve your skills and showing that you are capable of being a good employee. I’m applying to retail and library jobs and their biggest deal is customer service. How do you help people find what they need? What service/product do you provide to the customer/patron/whoever? If you volunteer where there is a cash register, can you handle it? Can you handle money and do the basic math to make sure the money is accounted for? It can be hard looking at the skills you have and compare to them to another job’s skills. For example, I volunteer at library and help people find information. In retail, you help people find the product/service they need. There are transferable skills there. Try to think of what skills you have or are getting and see if you can transfer those skills to another job.

      At your volunteer jobs, you might want to ask someone you trust for some job coaching like looking at your resumes and cover letters or job interview tips. As much as I hate to think I’m bothering people, I find people love sharing their knowledge and wisdom with willing learners. I hate traditional “networking” of going to parties and events and trying to sell myself, but networking is volunteering (like you are doing), finding ways to connect to and meet people, and just letting people know you are looking for a job. Asking for help is hard, but no one can even give you a lead on a job if they do not know you are looking. Most jobs are hidden and never come up online or in public notices. Even if you get a job that isn’t entirely to your liking, do your best at it and try to gain some good knowledge and skills from it while looking for a job more to your liking. A bad job can be a springboard to a better opportunity.

      That’s pretty much what I’ve learned in my journey so far. We’ll both get through this. I’ll check out your blog. Good luck!

      Liked by 1 person

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