“No matter what the source of a sorrow may be, the sorrow itself is respectworthy.” -Mark Twain, Autobiography of Mark Twain, Vol. 3
2015 ends today.
I gained a part-time job this year and that is going well for the most part. I also saw Star Wars Episode VII. I’ve started reading novels again and finished several Mark Twain books. I’m currently getting through the third volume of his autobiography and Life on the Mississippi. Unfortunately, the latter has been more boring than A Tramp Abroad, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, and Letters from the Earth. I’ll get to it again in 2016, probably after finishing the autobiography.
Since coming off the antidepressants in mid-2014, I have not been happy. That is to say, I am happy, sad, angry, and depressed at times and intervals that make no logical sense to me which spiral into a repeated pattern of happiness, sadness, anger, and depression. There is no end and no relief. I’ve dealt with anxiety since I was a young child. I thought over time it would dissipate, but it never did. It morphed and some aspects of it I could resist. For instance, I never really think I’m overly stressed at work, only to realize coming home that I am thoroughly exhausted.
The last time I talked to my doctor about returning to antidepressants, he didn’t even want to consider it unless I was considering harm or suicide. I have to threaten suicide to get medication for anxiety? I mention my anxiety still being a problem, and he completely ignored it. I no longer want anything to do with him, yet my health insurance limits who I can go to and he’s one of the few doctors still accepting patients. I’ve searched for local psychiatrists specializing in social and general anxiety only to find they primarily focus on children and/or adolescents. I’d have to drive for a hour or more to the nearest big city for someone specializing in it for adults. I’m certain there has to be a specialist in my area, but Google and the ADAA‘s “find a therapist” function hasn’t helped. I have a hard time explaining my symptoms to my doctor, I have no idea how I could explain them to a therapist.
There are quite a few “Christian” therapists around, yet I’m not religious. My dental hygienist recommended one years ago. I certainly have philosophical and existential issues that couple with my erratic mind, but talking about those with someone dedicated to a Christian worldview certainly wouldn’t help me. It would make me more depressed.
Like most people, I’m likely to break a New Year’s resolution rather than fulfill. So, I’ll do what I did last year and focus on some broad goals with a higher chance of success, like finding a part-time job. Blogging more, reading more, and listening more are a few I can think of at the moment. I’m going to stay-the-course with my part-time job and see where it may take me.
Retail work can take a lot out of an introvert like me, but I do like my colleagues, managers, and most customers. The machines there hate me. However, they hate everyone, so its not personal. Bad moments and rude people usually don’t stay around long, though the anxiety can make me fixate on an error or bad experience. I’ve only been there a short time and everyone says I’m getting better. The anxiety says I’m not, but if I’m getting positive feedback from repeat customers, managers, and colleagues, then I must be getting it right. I mean, they threw me in amidst the holiday rush and I survived, so that’s something.
On a meta note, what on earth did WordPress do with the “reblog” option? I can’t find it under the “share” options when I want to reblog someone’s article. All I get with the share is a sentence fragment with a link to there article. I know the reblog function is still around. Just when I get my head around WordPress, they change things around!
Happy New Year to you all.